Updated: Feb 15
Kayley Hospital Watch
Fathers You just never know who you're going to run into at a hospital. It's a pretty remarkable story; it is almost impossible to grasp.
Finding someone who relates to your pain and really understands is like a good set of binoculars. You begin to see things previously unseen by the naked, blinded eye.
We ran into each other in the hallway tonight. I was pretty shocked that I had not seen him before- especially since he got here before we did and because we're on the same floor.
I was ready to unload on somebody... anybody. So before I knew it the floodgates opened. I told him how hard it was for me to watch Kayley's painful procedures. It felt good to get it off my chest and even give specific details. I revealed my doubts, fears, worries, questions and insecurities. Although I wanted to be macho and not appear weak, I teared up when I told him how I had watched her take every laborious breath. Breaths that I sometimes feared might be her last.
It was as obvious as an elephant. He wasn't one of those types who pretend to listen while really just waiting for their own chance to speak. No, he not only cared he "really" cared and sympathized with my anguish.
Like me, he also watched his own child endure excruciating pain. Like me, he never left his child's side. Like me, he was heartbroken by his child's broken heart. Like me, he watched his child unable to breathe and gasping for air. Like me, he watched strangers taking his child's blood. Like me, he wanted to stop his child's pain but knew it was necessary for healing. Like me, watching blood run down Kayley's neck, wrists, and back from being pierced and lacerated; he also witnessed blood running from his child's piercings. Like me-most of all- there came a point when he could watch no more and had to turn his face away.
Even worse his child died; but was eventually brought back to life.
Our visit was temporarily over but I have no doubt that we will reconnect soon. After all (HE) has been here at the hospital all along and I'm convinced He won't be leaving anytime soon.
It's past midnight making it Easter Sunday. I knew I needed to get back to Kayley but I also KNEW that I felt NEW.
As I write, a lying, sinister voice says this peace I feel will not last- that Kayley will never get better. I feel something like an evil shadow trailing me... taunting me... tempting me. I can't hear a clear audible voice but something like a feigning echo. I remind myself of who is behind the spears of hate that seek to infiltrate my faith. A vicious enemy who is currently wanting me to worry about hospital bills, the future, my 2 sons whom we are separated from, my wife, my ailing father, my oldest sister's illness and everything else out of my hands.
Most of all the voice wants to distract me from the Father's words in the hallway. To entice me to forget His assurances of His love for me and Kayley.
I sing in my mind. "Jesus loves me This I know For the Bible Tells me so".
Please God, I beg you please, help me not to fail another test this week.
I'm tired. I'm weak. I'm not who I want to be. I've been weighed on your scales of suffering and found insufficient.
Dear God Help me overcome! Help me remember you can never be all that I want until I fully realize that you are all that I've got!!
Help me to praise you for the progress I saw today in Kayley and not focus on what is still not fixed.
No it's not the Easter I planned. I was supposed to be preaching this morning to 6000 people in a suburb of Tulsa. I was supposed to be home later tonight with my wife and children. But it's ok. You have destined me to be here for now.
I do not have a diagnosis. I do not have answers. I do not have solutions.
But what I do have is YOU.
And that is good enough for me.